The Sword is Mightier than the Pen
by Remolay
Summary: Deadpool is hired by a certain professor for mutant freaks to investigate a Mind Control plot. Wolverine ends up along for the ride, much to his dismay.
1. Chapter 1: A Plot Expositon

The Sword is Mightier than the Pen

**Disclaimer: ** I have not read X-men in years, I may(Read: Will) get some details wrong. Deadpool is the only "hero" I try to follow, and even then I fail. I apologize for any failures. Deadpool himself will not forgive me, and will likely destroy me.

I do not own Deadpool or X-Men bla bla bla boring talk LET'S GET TO THE FIC!

Ahh, grocery day. What would I do without it? No seriously, I have no clue. Would I starve or would the whole heally deally kick in and stop it? Honestly, I don't want to find out, and on this particular grocery day, I was running low on cash. I hoped I would find a job really soon. After putting away the groceries I noticed that my answering machine (That's right, screw modern conveniences!) was flashing seven new messages. One of those was bound to be someone looking to hire me, right? Well I got two telemarketers, a wrong number, Weasel asking how that device that I lost a couple of days ago is working out (note to self: call him back), Blind Al asking for me to come over because I haven't visited in a while (note to self: call her back), a prank call, Some guys with some sort of time share deal (note to self: call them back), and Charles Xavier looking to hire me.

Wait a minute, what was that last one?

I rewinded and listened to the message as I prepared (hey, it's a chance to work with the X-Men again, why would I ever pass that up?). "Mr Wilson, this is Charles Xavier from the Xavier Institute for Higher learning." Thanks, Chaz, Never would have guessed that one. "I would have contacted you via a psychic link, but frankly, your mind disturbs me." Awww, I love you too. "I need you to be at the institute as soon as possible. We are in need of your assistance." That's good enough for me! I grabbed my stuff ran out of my apartment and hailed a cab, my teleporter broken again. I really wish I had my own X-Jet, or at least a crappy old car. Is that really too much to ask?

"To the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning, my good man," I said to the Cabby, who simply grunted annoyed in a higher pitch than I expected. "Well, I do say I am sorry, Ma'am," I said in my best southern gentleman voice (read: Pretty horrible). "I must have entered the vehicle so quickly that I hadn't noticed you were not a good man, but a good lady."

She replied to me in a southern voice of her own. "If you're tryin' not to offend me, you best shut your mouth, Wade." Aww crap. I just pissed off Rogue, the X-Men's resident memory slash power taker and probably the only person able to kill me for good. Why was she here? Why didn't they send the X-Jet? "As if we'd waster that kind of fuel on you..." Wait, What? Are my little yellow boxes broken again? "What are you talking about?" SON OF A BITCH! I thought for sure I got those fixed.

"Screw it," I finally said intentionally. "Us arguing about it could take up a whole page."

"Right, I guess," She said, obviously confused. "Let's just focus on getting you to the mansion. Xavier say's there's strange things going on..."

"Ooh, Vague! My favorite!"

As we exited the cab at the school for mutant freaks I asked Rogue "So... Do I pay you for this like I would a normal cabby or what?" My question was answered for me when Rogue pressed a button on the car keys. The car transformed into a smart car. Not the eco friendly crap kinda of smart car, I mean Smart as in it has an Autopilot. "Cloaking device," I said with a very giddy voice. "I want one. So, why'd they send you, then?"

"Makin' sure you don't run off with the damn thing," She said, only semi serious. "It's like you said, I'm probably the only person who can kill you for good." DAMN YOU, LITTLE YELLOW BOXES! DAMN YOOOOOUUUU!

"You are very lucky that cancer is not a super power!" Man, Cancer jokes aren't funny. Who wrote that line?

Rogue lead me straight to the control room for the Danger Cave, which would have been a bad idea under normal circumstances. These "normal" circumstances would be me finding a way to break into the mansion and screwing around with machinery, which I often dream of doing. We entered to find a bald guy in a wheelchair watching Wolverine training inside the cave against holograms of himself, who I promptly ignored and went to push all of the colorful buttons I could find. Wolverine's simulation looked really weird with what I was doing. I felt my mask lift up and a hand on my neck, I fell over on the ground before I could press anymore buttons, in a pile of pain and sanity. I could feel Death coming towards me, but my powers returned before she could arrive. Dammit, Rogue.

Rogue didn't look to hot after that experience. That is, she didn't look like she was feeling very well. I couldn't blame her to be honest. My powers are scary as hell, I'm not gonna lie. "Professor," she said, her voice trembling. "He's not crazy. I saw what he can see." That's not good. Any normal person would likely be scarred by what I can see. Cue her fainting. I turned to face the bald man in the wheelchair, who was staring at Rogue.

"Um, Xavier?" I said, waving my hand in front of his face. "You should probably do the memory changey thingy on her. You know, my mind being disturbing and all..." Rogue got back up, apologized, and left the room. Apparently, she thought she was dehydrated. Charles Xavier, you are an awesome man. It was at this time that me and the Xavier started talking business.

"Wade, There have been strange events happening in New York." Yes, we established that part already, now tell me what those are. "I'm not quite sure what it is." Damn, a mystery. "There appears to be several cases of mind control at several High Schools in the city." This could be fun. But wait! I actually have a conscience somewhere inside of me!

"Why in HELL would you send a mercenary to a public high school? That sets off all sorts of alarms!" I yelled out.

"I admit it wouldn't normally have been my first choice," he said, looking very serious. "But I have reason to believe that you are immune to mind control. It's either than or any one who tries would go mad just as Rogue did. I am sending Wolverine with you to keep you in check."

Wolverine, AKA Logan, AKA Mister Badass. A cat like mutant with a dog like hero name and professional show stealer. Even the guys want this guy. Hell, sometimes even I want this guy. HE is the epitome of manliness, and just happens to be a rival of yours truly.

"Any other questions?" Xavier asked"

"Yeah, has anyone ever told you that you look and sound just like Captain Picard?"

"Very well," he replied, mildly annoyed. "Logan should be about finished in the cave. Why don't you two catch up."

I was way ahead of him, already running down to him. As I approached him I yelled out "Logan, Ol' buddy! How about a hug for your good fri..." He swung his claws at my neck and my life flashed before my eyes for the umpteenth time. That explains where Weasel's device went. Little bastard got up and ran off on it's own. Then, everything went dark.

Instead of Death or Hell like I expected, I say a bright light. I opened my eyes to find what looks like an Operating room and Beast standing over me. "Hank," I said calmly. " What are you doing here? Did Logan go crazy on you too?"

"No, I'm afraid the only person Logan 'went crazy on' was you. I'm just stitching your head back on," he said with a completely straight face. It seemed like this was a completely normal occurrence for him. Actually, with how big the X-men can get, I wouldn't be surprised it it was

When I finally grasped that I was not actually dead, I asked "Can I scritch you behind the ear and call you a good boy?"

Hank ignored that one entirely. "I'm also going to the liberty of fixing your teleportation device. Sounds like you might need it." I'm glad on that one. I forgot to ask Weasel to fix it when he asked me to test that new thing. "After this, It might be a good idea for you to start on your mission. We can't waste to much time."

I got up as he finished sewing my head back on and sighed. "Two costumed lunatics in schools full of hypnotized students," I said morbidly. But my mood quickly picked up. "This should be fun!"

End of Chapter 1.


	2. Not Actually A Chapter

Authors note for an entire chapter, An Apology to the people who have decided to follow this story for whatever reason.

I apologize for the lack of content. I realize I posted Chapter 1 exactly 5 months ago. Since then I have lost an entire fanfic to rain, failed to work on a different fic, come up with a stupid Super Sentai/Power Rangers idea, and lost Chapter 2 of this very fic. I had about half of Chapter 2 done at one point, I just couldn't think of a good way to introduced our villain. I have restarted it, but I have not gotten very far back into the story. I have a good chunk of it planned out, but I'm not very good at the whole fleshing it out part.

Like it had said on my profile page, I swear I'm still working on it.


	3. Really Chapter 2: Stuff Happens

**AN: Whelp, it's finally finished. I have chapter 2 of the fic done! And after about 7 months in development, this TF2 joke falls flat on its face anyway. As I write for Logan, it will become increasingly obvious that I don't read comic books. I apologize in advance for my OOCWolverine. I encourage you to enjoy the adventures of 4th-wall man (DN: Never... NEVER call me that again) and Michigan-boy (DN: This one's okay) anyway. It also is likely shorter, as I wrote it on my phone instead of on paper.**

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><p>"Hi there," I said to the surprisingly unattractive secretary in office of PS 507. "We're here to talk to the students about the danger of violence. My name is Nathan Summers, and this..." I pointed to Logan, "is Hugh Jackman." Hey, if someone was going to take the fall for this, it wouldn't be me.<p>

"You don't look like Nathan Summers," she said. Damn. "And shouldn't Hugh Jackman be in Australia?" Double Damn. "And besides, we don't have any guest speakers scheduled." Triple da- actually, that one doesn't even count. "In fact, aren't you that mercenary guy?" Triple DAMN! How how did she recognize me? Quadruple DAMN! I forgot a disguise.

"Look, there's important business here that definitely doesn't involve killing anyone here, can you please just let me go?" I said. There's no way that would fail.

"If it will get you to leave me alone, yes." Wow, that was easy. Is the writer just lazy or something?

Ah, forget it. We have to keep the plot going somehow.

Apparently every child had the same lunch, with no off-campus stuff, since their tiny-ass cafeteria was freakin' beyond packed! "This doesn't add up," I thought out loud (on purpose this time, I swear). "Whose bright idea was it to put a metric ass-load of kids in the smallest room ever?"

"You're focusing on the wrong thing," said Captain Correction. God damn team up books. "Look at them closely." He was right. There were only two cliques, Goth and Prep, and none of them seemed to be doing anything. It was as if they were waiting for someone. I swear, one of the goths was asking where a girl named Mary was. Wait a minute... Preps and Goths... High school... A girl named Mary... In a fanfiction story... Hehe, I like doing the ellipses... That's it!

"Logan, I know the name of the person we're looking for!" I blurted out. "Our target is a girl named Mary Sue!" Oh, yelling that out was a bad idea. All of the goths turned to face me, meaning like nine tenths of the room. Well, crap...

"Mary cont die! Nit evan teh son can kil are vampire qyeen!" I don't know or care what the hell he just said, but I knew that it meant I was right. I pulled out my gun, aimed at the goths, and was blocked by Logan.

"Wilson, they're still alive in there. We're here to save them, not kill them!" As much as I hate to admit it, he was right, again. But if I didn't do anything, I'd be torn limb from limb. I'd like it better if I didn't die before getting paid. Logan was between me and the goths... Ah, That was it!  
>"You're not throwing me into the goths."<br>"Shut up, decoys don't talk!" I said as I threw him and ran off screaming like a little gi-I mean fled roaring like the manliest of men.


	4. Chapter 3: Blade Wilson

**Authors Note: Part of this chapter was supposed to be in the second chapter, but I couldn't comfortably do it. That's why that one took so long before I lost it entirely.**

**While the last chapter was short due to me typing it on my phone, this one is probably around the same length as the first one. I'm probably only going to do two more chapters after this. It was never really intended to be a long fic. Now to wait a year or two before the next chapter**

**Sorry if this starts to suck.**

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><p>You know, it's amazing how similar roars of might sound to screams of terror. I'm serious, if a person doesn't see the look of someone's face while they do it, it can be taken either way. Of course, no one can see my face most of the times. So when it comes to what really happened after I pushed Logan in to the angry mob, I am the only person you can trust. Don't look at me like that, it was very strategic planning. I throw his indestructible body to the ravenous "Goths", while my destructible but mostly healing body looks for Ms. Sue. That's totally what I was planning the whole time and I wasn't just saving my own ass.<p>

Now where was I... Oh yeah, fleeing from the school. By sheer convenience of the writer not wanting to explain stuff, P.S. 507 was right in front of a forest. I figured that if they got past Logan, I might still lose them in there. Not that it was likely that they got past Logan. I wanted to believe that he gave up on the whole "They're still alive in there" thing and broke out the super metal knife things. I hope that's what happened at least. Goth teens creep the hell out of me. Maybe he got some of the preps as well. As I was going through the forest I started hearing noises. I thought it was the faint sound of animals dying. _Good,_ I thought._ He really did decide to take those freaks out._ Thinking that it was safe to meet up with him, I followed the noise. The noises kept getting louder and louder when suddenly I realized, that noise was most definitely not the sound of anything dying. Oh no, it most certainly was not. It was a sound I really didn't want to hear that day, or ever really. I closed my eyes, readied my gun (I think, anyway. Maybe I should have thought the order of this over), and jumped out at towards the noise.

"What the hell are you doing, you mother****ers!" I yelled while firing wildly. Well, I guess this isn't a Max comic. It should be safe for me to open my eyes. "Oh god I can still see what's going on!" I yelled and closed my eyes again. That was a very bad idea. Never let me do that again, got it? Good. The one thing I can tell you that I saw was that I did manage to hit one of the sources of noise. The male one. "Why?" I called out to Mary, who I knew must have been the other. "Why would you do this in a forest!"

"Wudn't u lik to no, u perv," She said back. Have I ever mentioned that I hate teenagers. I followed the sound of her voice and fired in her general direction. There was some sort of bullet to flesh impact, but then I heard her voice again. "Bulets vant kyll a vampur, moran!" You know what? Screw it. My brain's already screwed up beyond repair and I don't need to tell you everything I see. I'm going to open my- OH GOD MY EYES! **** THIS!

"Alright!" I yelled at Mary, pointing one of my katana towards her. "You are going to put some clothes on right now, young lady!" She just stared at me for a little bit, as if that was supposed to do something. I'm ashamed of how long it took me to figure out what she was trying to do. "Don't even try it," I said. "It won't work on me. You will put your clothes back on and then we will talk." I turned my back so she wouldn't think I was still looking under the mask. I felt something hit me in the back of the head. I turned, and- GOD DAMMIT! NOT AGAIN! I knocked Mary face first on to the ground, held her down with my foot, and put the Katana to her neck. There's a sentence I never thought I'd be able to say.

"Okay. I am done dealing with you," I said angrily. "Tell me, What are you!"

"Im Mary Sue," She responded.

"Not who are you, WHAT are you!" I yelled. She just repeated herself. Every time I asked I got the same response. She was Mary Sue, I under stood that. I just needed to know what she wa... Was Mary Sue more than a name? Like a title or species? She wasn't just Mary Sue. She was A Mary Sue. Which means there are more of them. "Are there more of you?" I asked to be sure. I'm pretty sure she nodded. There really were more Mary Sues. Well, looks like my job is pretty much done here, but I can't let the assault on my brain be unpunished. I brought the Katana closer to her neck. "Thank you for your co-operation, Ms. Sue, but I'm afraid I have to kill you now," I said in my best businessman voice. "I'd say I was sorry for this, but I'm really, really not sorry at all." I swung the sword up like a golf club, and was promptly knocked on my ass.

"No on can kull the vampure qyeen!" I heard a gruff voice say. Crap, they got Logan. Smooth move, sending him with me, Chaz.

I rolled towards my fallen Katana, noticing that Mary was no longer there. I grabbed it and got up, using it as a brace. Logan bore his claws, and swung at me. Bastard almost cut off my head again. I fired my gun right at his head. Not much happened, he really just brushed it off. I forgot that I don't use Adamantium bullets. So instead I took out both of my katana and- Wait a minute... Are those made of Adamantium? Or was that just in a movie? I don't even remember anymore. I re-sheathed one of the katana, just in case I was wrong. I swung at him with the remaining sword. "Let's see how your claws match up to my-" Sonova- He cut through it. Well that answers that question. Really should have brought that tranquilizer thingy that I used in "Hulk vs." with me.

"You bastard!" I yelled. "That was my second favorite sword!" There was only one other option considering the situation. Find that teenaged bitch who made my reluctant partner break one of my best friends!

Mary Sue was likely still in the forest, so I started by ducking behind trees. It actually didn't take that long for me find her. I unsheathed my remaining sword, looked straight at her and... Seriously? Just her underwear? "Does it really take that long to put your damn clothes on!" I yelled at her. This was seriously starting to piss me off.

"Scew u. Ut tacks a wile to describ wut Im warring" She responded... Screw this.

"I've had it with you, Mary Sue," Heh, that rhymed. I swung my sword straight at her neck, cutting off her head. She quickly dissolved into dust. "Eat your heart out, Van Helsing."

Logan came up to me with a confused look on his face. "Would you mind telling me what the hell is going on here?" I told the whole story exactly the way I did above, boring him to tears. Up to the part I'm saying to you guys right now. "Okay, you can shut up now," He said, obviously annoyed at me. "No seriously, shut the hell up."

I sighed. "Fine."

"So let me get this straight," he said. "Mary Sue is more than a name, it's a creature of some sort." I nodded. "So what do we need to do, kill all of them?"

"I wish it was that simple," I responded. "Nothing can naturally be like a Mary Sue, plus it turned to dust when I killed it. Either we have to kill the head vampyre, or something is creating artificial humans armed with mind control devices. I'm shooting for the artificial humans." I scooped up the dust formerly known as Mary Sue and put it into a bag. "There has to be a way to track it with this."

"The sooner we get this over with, the sooner I can stop hearing you talk," He said. The feeling is mutual, buddy.


	5. Chapter 4: Original chapter title lost

**AN: This is not an authors note.**

"Hey Logan," I said, obviously bored off of my ass. He didn't respond. I repeated myself and he continued to ignore me. I gradually started asking faster and faster, louder and louder. "HEY LOGAN! YO, LOGAN! LOOOOOOOOOOGAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

"What is it!" He snapped at me. Man, no need to get so rude.

"Are we there yet?"

"We've been there for 10 minutes," He sounded very much annoyed. Maybe I shouldn't have asked him this 5 minutes ago. "We're waiting to talk to Xavier for gods sake!"

"Oh alright." I waited another minute. "Hey Logan."

"Yes!" He yelled. "Yes we are freaking there!"

"I wasn't going to say that," I responded in a very cheerful voice. "I was going to ask if you've ever considered anger management classes." Oh my god this is too much fun. Oh boy he looks really mad right now. Am I talking out loud instead of narrating again?

…

Okay, I guess not. Safe for now. Good. LOGAN IS A DOODY HEAD!

And then I got my arm cut off. "You know what, Logan. It's a bitch to put that thing back on. Can you help me out?" He said nothing. "Logan? You're not telling me to shut the hell up, is everything okay?" I looked to my side and Logan was no where to be found. My arm was gone too. In fact, I wasn't even in Charles Xavier's school for magical freaks anymore. It was more like a... A jumbled mess of Superheroes, Scifi characters, and a dragon thingy,

"The term is Draconequus, and I figured I should keep you within the realm of storytelling," a strange new voice said. A tall unshaven teen wearing pajamas walked out of the shadows carrying a large pen. "Sorry to bring you here this way, I got lazy."

"I'm more worried about where the hell my arm is at the moment," I said to him. I was probably going to have to kill this guy, and I'd really like to be able to use both swor- Oh yeah. Logan broke one.

"Heh, you aren't going to kill me anyway, Wade." God dammit, am I speaking instead of thinking again? "No, that's working just fine, I can just see everything that's going on in this story."

Ah, so he was the one. "You sent the Mary Sue, didn't you."

"Technically, yes," He responded rubbing the back of his head. "I originally had a much bigger plan. Had a 'Writer' for you to track down and kill and everything. In fact, the wall behind me was originally a wall of portals to different fictional worlds. But I realized something." He looked sad. This was starting to get a bit weird. "I love you, Deadpool. You're my favorite Marvel character. But I can't write for you. I don't read comics often enough for you guys to be in character."

Wait wait wait a minute. He can't write for us? He's the Author! Wait. Out of character! "What do you mean out of character?"

"Remember the genuine hug you offered Logan? How Xavier said the he could contact you through a psychic link?" A large page appeared in front of him, with text scrolling up. I think he was reading this thing backwards, "Oh hey, Logan hasn't called anyone 'Bub' once, you being envious of him, and- Oooh, this is a big one." His face lit up. He was getting some sort of joy out of critiquing his own work. "Setting up Chekhov's gun, and after getting rid of the Sue's writer, it looks like it will never be fired." Chekov's gun?

"When did we start talking about Star Trek?" I asked. The author just sighed.

"You're missing the point completely. Here's the thing. I don't want to just stop the story dead in it's tracks, but I don't want to keep going. So I'm going to end it by killing you, or more removing you from my mind. But I'm also going to give you the illusion of a fighting chance."

He scrolled all the way to the bottom of his text and started writing more. My arm and broken sword were both suddenly attached and completely intact. I unsheathed the other kitana as he flung his text to the floor. He pointed his pen at me as if it were a threat. "You're seriously going to use that as your weapon of choice?" I laughed. "Illusion my right ass cheek."

I attacked him with both swords, but he blocked with the pen and stabbed me in the chest. Black ink appeared to come out of the wound instead of blood. "By the way," he spoke calmly as we continued our fight. "I use fountain pens." He stabbed me in the leg "Those things are pointier than you'd think." Yeah, I think the pain I have told me that before you got the chance. "And don't forget. This is my story. All damage I do is permanent."

Time to go through the flowchart of ass-pulls is my head. Is it a recap page? no. Ah, ending already. Do awesome thing, got it.

The author flinched in surprise. "Wait a minute, I didn't write that bit," he said while I slashed his hand. He screamed in pain and the pen flew out of his hand. I grabbed it as quickly as I can. "How? This isn't possible! I'm the author! I write the damn story!"

I pulled up the words from before and started writing. My pen wounds immediately healed and the former author started punching himself. Then I decided to read chapter one.

"You son of a bitch! This shouldn't be possible!" he yelled while still punching himself. The words "You mad, bro?" appeared in front of his eyes. "Yes I'm mad you stupid-" But he never finished his sentence, because I threw a sword through his head. The world around me began to fade away. The author was dead. All that remained was me, his corpse and the pen... which has just faded away. Crap.

"Ass-pull by one!" I yelled as I used my teleportation device. I reappeared in Xaviers office, my severed arm on the desk.

"I figured you'd come back for this," Xavier said. "But it seems you've got a new one."

" Yeah, long story." I responded. "Good one too, I wrote the ending. Now, about my fee..."

**The end**

**AN: And now this mess is over. I don't remember when exactly I changed the villain in the story to myself, but I'm pretty okay with how it turned out. In the original, Logan was going to be mind controlled again, and when that ended the writer was going to escape by adding Bea Arthur to the story. It could have led to crossovers, but I never really decided before changing the villain completely. **

**Thank you again for following this trainwreck, I hope to bring excellent stories to you in the future.**


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